This summer is going swimmingly.

I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.

A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."

What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"

Busy Cat

I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming

What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.

The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”

Heard about the devoted beaver who crossed the turbulent river? He took a leap of faith!

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

The last time I saw a body like yours, I was burying it in my basement.

What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.

"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"

What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.

Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.

Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.

Why was the crocodile invited to glamorous parties?
Because she was a snappy dresser.

What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.

Why was the wheelchair basketball team banned from the Paralympics?
They all tested positive for WD-40.

There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.

You elevate checking out to a mystical event worthy only of gods and champions.

Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.

How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.

What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.

I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Rocker.
I think I've just found one.

They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.

Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.

If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.

A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."

What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef

You leave me Wonton more.

Is your name Sunshine? Because you are “In my soul today”.

Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.

hat’s the most sophisticated kind of bread?
The upper crust.

What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.

My flamingo friends are always making me pay for dinner. I find that they can be real cheepskates.

I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"

Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.

Foul Play Suspected In Death Of Man Found Handless, Bound And Hanged

Which sea creature gives the best hugs?
A cuttlefish

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein

The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.

Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.

I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"

Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.

I can’t remember my number. Can I please have yours instead?

“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke

Your love is like vodka.
You were worth the chase.

"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland