“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
A zoo owner introduced his tiger to the visitors by saying "this is the most paw-some tiger at the zoo".
My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
Which sea creature gives the best hugs?
A cuttlefish
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
Q: What's a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister
Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.
I don't bite you know - unless it's called for.
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
Boy: You know quickie has u And i together.
Girl: Too bad ugly starts with a u.
Never has there been a more romantic story than how those two geologists met.
It was lava at first sight.
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
Are you a firework?! Because your lighting up my eyes.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
Let’s list the froze and cons.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
Composers always score.
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
It’s worth a shot.
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
51. What does a car yell when something goes wrong?
‘Jesus Chrysler!’
I've seen a lot of Canada, but you could take me to the top of the world.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
My parents always told me I can be anything I wanted, the sky's the limit
This made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
I ain't greedy baby, all I want is all you got.
Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.
Are you into salads? Because I think I'm falling in lovage.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
Go to BabaMail
