Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.
The bus driver was so friendly and nice, it was a 'joy ride'!
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
Man: I've lost my phone number can I have yours?
Woman: Sure, my number is 911-8473 (works better if you write it down)
What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant?
An ice burger extra cheese.
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
Why do worms taste like chewing gum?
Because they’re wrigleys!
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
What do you call a loud conversation? A megaphone.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
Is your name Wi-fi? Because I'm really feeling a connection.
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
Vogue just called; they want to put you on the cover.
Packing is my expertise. So, I can easily fit into your heart.
I don't have a Christmas list, cuz you're already the best gift.
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.
When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
What did the grilled cheese say to the frying pan?
You make me melt.
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
A man went to buy long underwear cause the weather was getting cold. The cashier asked " How long would you like them"
"From march to September", said the man.
What do you call an elephant with rotors?
A Nellie-copter.
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk?
The cookie!
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
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