Do you use Spotify free? You should join my Premium Duo for all the features.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
Girl, we must be a bipartite graph, because I just thought of an efficient algorithm for finding an optimal matching for the two of us.
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
Which religious figure does dairy products worship? Cheese-us!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
American cherries generally do pretty well at high school. Many of them end up on the cherryleading squad.
What did the ghost do at the red light? He came to a dead stop.
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
You have beautiful eyes. Oh, wait, those are your wings. Why you gotta be so scary?
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
If you gave me a penny for my thoughts I’d have just one penny, because i only think about one thing and that’s you.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
What did the Wicked Witch of the West say when she extracted metal from ore?
I’m smelting!
Is your name Ariel? Because I think we mermaid for each other.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
How does the weather tie its shoes? Witha rainbow!
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
If I was a sticker, would you add me to your vintage luggage set?
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
Are you into hockey? That's great because I'd like to score.
Go to BabaMail
