There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"

So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."

So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"

So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."

Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!

A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"

Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.

Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.

I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".

Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.

Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.

Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.

What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.

What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.

(Julie Hebert)

I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.

Ghosts are terrible liars because you can see right through them.

What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.

There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.

How do you pronounce Jasmine? Because in my head it’s “Jas-MINE”.

You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.

Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:

“Uno...”

“Dos...”

And disappeared without a trace.

“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler

Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.

The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.

Why was the pun a bad comedian?
He never got the pun-chline right!

What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday

Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.

Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.

“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller

There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.

What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.

Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.

What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.

Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.

What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.

Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.

What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.

Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."

What do llamas always say after yoga class?
“Llamaste.”

“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner

What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!

What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”

“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky

How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.

“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”

“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”

- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’

Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.

I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.

I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.

“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”

- Brian Andreas.

What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”