But wait—there’s myrrh.
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
I’ve always been a trucker, but recently I applied for a job at Microsoft. I’ve heard they’re always looking for more drivers.
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
What did one beached whale say to the other beached whale?
Long time no sea.
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.
Wholey-grain! You really bread my mind!
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
Tom Hanks just got the Corona virus.
They had to lock the whole Cast Away.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
Vampires are not even real. Unless you Count Dracula.
You're like an exothermic reaction, you spread your hotness everywhere!
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
Wanna meet up tonight? I hope you Leonard-on’t say no
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.
"It's not you...it's your taste in music"
"On cloud wine."
Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?
Ah well, we won't go over it then.
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
Are you at the Chanel store? Because you are way too fancy for me.
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
How do cows intake water?
by Osmoosis.
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
If I walked a milimeter for everytime I thought of you, I would have walked across the Earth a million times.
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
What do you call Santa when he accidentally falls into the fireplace? Krisp Kringle.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
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