If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
How about a kanga-root?
When ghosts visit the seaside, they always get an i-scream.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather.
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
Hey girl, are you a defibrillator? Cause you’re sending shocks straight to my heart.
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
what do you call the smaller rivers that run into the nile?
The juveniles
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
hat did the pizza slicer say when he wanted to rob the pizza?
“Hand over the dough or I’ll cut you!”
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
Which HOF defenceman was nicknamed The Gravedigger? Denis Plotvin.
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
Bobby Bippy bought a bat.
Bobby Bippy bought a ball.
With his bat Bob banged the ball
Banged it bump against the wall
But so boldly Bobby banged it
That he burst his rubber ball
"Boo!" cried Bobby
Bad luck ball
Bad luck Bobby, bad luck ball
Now to drown his many troubles
Bobby Bippy's blowing bubbles.
Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
My blind friend did LSD for the first time...
There was a lot more tripping than usual.
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
Is your name Sunshine? Because you are “In my soul today”.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
You're that ugly that if I could do myself, I wouldn't need you.
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