Thank god I'm wearing gloves because you are too hot to handle.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.
Have you seen the Greek book that became a movie? You odyssey it.
Do you want to be my lab partner? I think we could have some great chemistry together.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
That skeleton over there said he’d get your number for me, but he didn’t have the guts, so here I am.
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
“Bah-Hum-Pug.”
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Toucan.
Toucan who?
Toucan play at that game!
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
I hear you're looking for a stud. Well, I've got the STD and all I need is you.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
If I supply the voltage and you supply the resistance, imagine the currents we can make together.
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
How do you learn more about spiders that live in the rainforest? Check out their web site!
A ship wanted to travel from the Pacific to the Arctic
But it just couldn't get its Bering Strait.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
I'm a proverbs 32 kind of guy and you're a proverbs 31 kinda woman.
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
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