Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
What did the husband say when his wife told him he bought the wrong flowers?
"Oopsie daisy!"
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
What did the dog say when he sat down on sand paper?
Rough.
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
Nice Skates...Wanna Cross the Blue Line with Me?
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
I just went to a fireworks shop and asked for their biggest bomb. They gave me a picture of you
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!
Make it rein.
Since all the hot ones are already taken, this is going to be your lucky night!
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
Every muscle in your body is beautiful.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
You know why women's eyes are so noticeable these days?
It's the mask era.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
I asked a pink bird who its favourite artist was. It looked at me strangely and replied “Flamingo Starr, of course.”
Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
What might folks in Tokyo find between Godzilla's toes?
Slow runners.
Are you a bookmark? Because I keep rereading the pages you are on!
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
I want you more then an ice-cream on a hot summer day.
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
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