I could go on and on about Salming but I don't want to Borje.
“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Is that the sun coming up?
Or is it just you lighting up my world?
Which HOF defenceman was nicknamed The Gravedigger? Denis Plotvin.
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
Sorry, but I can only be with you twice.
That's Now...and Forever.
What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
You are like an electron and I am like a proton. And they say that opposites attract.
"Dad, what's it called if I like both boys and girls," the buffalo said.
"I believe would be a bi-son," his father replied.
Oh, sorry I spilled your drink. Can I buy you another?
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
Good thing I just bought term life insurance … because I saw you and my heart stopped!
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light. Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.
What did the turkey say after Thanksgiving dinner? I'm still stuffed.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
What is a car’s favourite job?
Caretaker.
What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
What is a car’s favourite movie character?
Aerial from The Little Mermaid.
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
You can fix a broken strawberry with a strawberry patch.
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
I've only got three months to live.
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
What is the name of the onion ring that cannot but be funny? It is a Funyon!
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
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