Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
Why was the orange skeptical of everyone around him?
He was planted with a seed of doubt.
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
What are you doing this saturday? I've got a football match, but I'd rather score with you
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
What do you get when you cross a ghost with a chicken?
A poultry-geist.
Why was the penguin so annoying?
Because he was always fishing for complements.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.
I just asked the wife to get into her nurse's uniform.
She said "Why? Are you feeling horny?"
"No we need bread!"
I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars.
It was an auto body experience.
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
I enjoy throwing coins in the river and watching them. I like studying my cash flow.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen
I goat this.
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
Hey baby, how many Gamma-ray bursts can your Milky Way take?
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
Want to become my new personal best?
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
I can get you off the Naughty List.
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
I call the shots.
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
I hear the Minotaur is really stubborn....
He's really bull-headed.
Where do ghosts play volleyball at? At the volleyball corpse.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
Don't get tide down this summer. 'Tis the season for having fun.
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
You must be copper and terillium because you are Cu-Te
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