Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
Can I help you carry your groceries to the car?
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
You’re the only (cutie) pie I need.
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
I'm usually not very prophetic.
But I can see us together.
Me: Did it hurt?
Her: Did what hurt?
Me: When the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
You dropped something. My jaw.
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
I think you’re incredi-bowl.
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.
Where do you get frog's eggs?
At the spawn shop.
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.
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