Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
If you gave me a penny for my thoughts I’d have just one penny, because i only think about one thing and that’s you.
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
Can’t Lucy how perfect a date with me could be?
Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.
But it’s actually a common mist-conception.
Due to covid most exotic dancers have been furloughed.
Basically, they’ve been stripped of their source of income.
What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
Joggernaut.
Me: Did it hurt?
Her: Did what hurt?
Me: When the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
A father was reading a book while his son was playing with toys on the floor. “Daddy, why is that book so thick?” asks the boy.
“It’s long story,” replies the father.
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
I heard that burglars used grass to pick a lock and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
The mothership has returned and I must leave.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
Roses are red, violets are blue, with you in my head, this cow goes moooo.
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
I can figure out the square root of any number in less than 10 seconds. What? You don’t believe me? Well, then, let’s try it with your phone number.
Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.
I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
The fact that I've met you shows that God loves me.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
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