Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an alien?
A Mars-upial.
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
I like milk and cookies but I would rather have you.
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Howl.
Howl who?
Howl you know if you don't open the door?
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
Are you dessert because I'm finished.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
Why wasn't the taxidermist invited to Thanksgiving dinner?
No one wanted to try his stuffing
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
If you were coffee grounds, you’d be espresso ’cause you’re so fine.
Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?
A: Make them do limeout.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
Say it ain’t snow.
Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-O.
The only thing brighter than the sun on this track is your smile.
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
In the middle of the night yesterday, I dreamt that I was swimming in a sea of oranges only to wake up and realize that it was just a Fanta-sea.
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."
Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
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