What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
What do you call a baby owl stuck in the rain?
A moist owlette.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
How hot does your gas oven get?
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
What do bony people use to get into their homes?
A skeleton key.
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
The only problem with golf is...
The slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
Why is Frankenstein’s monster so popular?
He’s a real people person.
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
Who’s your paddy?
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
What did one slice of bread say to the other at their wedding?
Let’s grow mold together.
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
Are you on the endangered species list cause baby you are one of a kind!
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
Damn! You're almost as hot as my sister/brother.
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.
What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
My doctor told me I have a Vitamin D deficiency. Wanna go back to my place and save me?
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
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