What type of person doesn’t like pizza?
A weir-dough.
What type of hairstyle is popular with polar bears?
Frosted tips.
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
That raven is so stubborn at times, he just needs to crow up.
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put down.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
Are you a customs agent? I feel like I need to declare my love to you.
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
A mycologist is the most ethical type of scientist. They follow morels closely.
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
Practice safe text: use commas.
Are you a pharmacist? Because I am a patient and I heard you are patient lovers.
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
I’m looking for my soulmate. Do you think you could Aiden my search?
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
That dress would look great on my bedroom floor!
What’s an orange’s favourite animal? An orange-utan.
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.
Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
Are you a dog? Because I'd like to throw you a bone.
I'd steer clear of dating a dyslexic bus driver.
Sure, they may take you places, but there'll be mixed signals along the way.
How do bats tell their future?
They read their horrors-cope.
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
Is your name Pepsi? Because you sure are sizzling.
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
I think therefore I yam.
Call me AC/DC, because I'm gonna rock you all night long!
It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
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