Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
If you were in the jungle, and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
What do you call an alligator that makes others fight?
An instigator.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.
When the cow forget how to give milk, she was udderly confused.
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
Your good weed for the day.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
What is a teddy bear’s favorite Thanksgiving food?
Stuffing!
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
A man walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a Corona please, hold the virus."
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.
What do you call an electrically charged seal?
A seal ion.
I'll make love to you if you want me to.
Are you Christmas? Because I want to Merry you.
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
I’ve never seen stars as beautiful as your eyes.
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
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