If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.

Live to tell the tail.

What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.

How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.

Is your name Sunshine? Because you are “In my soul today”.

What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.

Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.

What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.

Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!

“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan

The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".

What is a car’s favourite fashion accessory?

A clutch bag.

National Herbs and Spices Day is celebrated annually on June 10.

If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.

Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.

What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!

“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”

– Deborah Kerr

An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."

I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.

"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."

Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.

What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!

What do you call a fast broomstick?
A vroom-stick.

Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.

Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)

What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.

Why do you only drive automatics?

‘I could never find a manual.’

I couldn’t help but approach, you’ve been on my mind Twenty four Evan

Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.

Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.

Hey Cinderella, must be time I took you home. It’s nearly midnight!

the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!

Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.

“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”

"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato

Are you a verb? Because you look a little tense, but I can put you in the mood.

Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.

You're like the neighbors' WiFi. Everyone wants to use you.

What do you call bears with no ears?
B.

The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.

The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate replied"Aye! It's driving me nuts!"

General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"

What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.

If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would P on U.

My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!

“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous

"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard

What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.

Autumn brings re-leaf from the heat.

"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven