Has Spotify contacted you yet? Because you are the hottest single in this club.
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
I used to go out with a homeless girl, like you. It was great. I could drop her off anywhere.
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
Basketball is the only sport where the basket is filled but never gets full.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
Girl, are you an adjective? Cause you should come first every day.
Even if there was no gravity, I'd still fall for you.
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
I can’t find a costume for Halloween, so can I just go as your boyfriend?
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
What does a beaver from Philly drink?
Wooder.
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
I need an Imodium because I can’t hold in my love for you.
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...
I hope this will not surface again
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
What did the angry artist say? Don't get me arted!
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
Do you like whales? Cause I was thinking that we could "humpback" at my place.
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
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