Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.

“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben

Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.

Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.

My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.

What is a mathematician's favorite part of a big Thanksgiving feast?
Pumpkin pi.

A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.

What did the grilled cheese say to the frying pan?
You make me melt.

What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.

Please keep your distance. I might fall for you.

You're eyes are bluer than the Atlantic ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.

I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool

Why is there no COVID cases in Antarctica
Because it’s so ice-o-lated

Something tells me we'd make great travel partners.

What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.

What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.

Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.

The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.

I just pooped in my bed. Can I sleep in yours?

"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"

Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan

How much does a polar bear weigh? Less than you, I would guess.

Girl, you are so fine, I had to upgrade my graphics card just to admire your pictures.

What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.

"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."

- Chelsea Peretti

What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!

How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.

Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.

Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.

“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown

What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon

What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.

What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!

What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

What do you call a really cold, young werewolf?
A pupsicle.

Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.

How do you keep a dog from smelling?
You hold its nose.

“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown

On scale of one to 10, you’re a poutine.

I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.

Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.

If you let me, I will chase you like a cheetah.

Is your vocal range tenor? Because if there were tenor (ten of) you Iwould be very happy.

I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.

Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.

What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.

I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.