What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
I'd buy a tandem bike just to ride with you.
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
Are you a tenor? Cuz you're the only ten I hear
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Hey, are you Cinderella because I see that dress disappearing at midnight.
Is that an energy bar in your pocket, or are you just happpy to see me?
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
Dang girl, are you an angel? Because you are dead to me.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Comb
Comb who?
Comb on down and I'll tell you!
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet.
Space X has really taken off this past year.
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
I didn’t know you could vape a chocolate bar until my wife told me to stop inhaling them.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put ewe and I together.
Give me your number so I can make the call.
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
I really can't finish a box of strawberries all by myself, Would you like to share with me over some wine?
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
The way you talk to me leaves me aphasic.
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