Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
What do you get when you cross a ghost with a chicken?
A poultry-geist.
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
Q. What did one artistic colored pencil say to another?
A. Bro, you are lookin' sharp today!
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?
I really lava you!
“I gotta warn ya, every man I’ve ever gone out with has been ruined.”
“Well, that’s what they get for messing with my girl.”
- Bugsy (1991)
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
It's been a hard day's night without your lovin', Oh darling.
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
"Lazy bones."
You know what’s on the menu? ME-N-U
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
What’s happens to the sportiest horse?
It gets to be first horse-pick of the draft.
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You made my life a mess
Please call a clean-up crew
This love feels like floating endlessly in outer space and looking for your pretty lost smiles.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?"
She replied to me "Ammonia Cleaner"
I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here."
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.
I may not be Mumford, but do you want to have my sons?
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