What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse!
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
I know we just met, but will you marinade me?
A few punny Wifi names you can use:
Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Greece!
Greece who?
Are Greece and oil the same thing?
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
An actor I know fell through the floor recently. It's just a stage he was going through.
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
You are so hot, you must be what is causing Global Warming.
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
Are you the dog? Because your shit’s all over the lawn.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
When the ghost blew his nose, lots of boo-gers came out.
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
"Hey girl, I don't have power and success, but I'm funny."
- Modern Family
I told my friend a tree pun.
He was stumped.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."
Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Fowl weather.
Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
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