The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
Hey babe, are you the Mcdonald's Ice Cream Machine, because you just aren't working for me anymore.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by you again?
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
What do werewolf like for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam
She passed.
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
Q. What is a gorilla in a wheelchair called?
A. Dis-ape-led.
What did the arirst say to his friend who was stressed? Don't worry, paintbrush it off.
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lego
Lego who?
Lego of me and I'll tell you!
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
Where do bats go to gamble?
Bat-lantic City.
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
What do you call an alligator who is holding a compass?
A navigator.
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
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