What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Britney Spears
Britney Spears who?
Knock, knock - oops i did it again.
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
I should have dressed up as a ghost tonight so I could let you under my sheets.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
Why are gnomes so pragmatic?
They don’t have tall tales.
Are you a firework?! Because your lighting up my eyes.
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.
People tell me I have a good breaststroke, but I'd say I'm a pretty good swimmer too.
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.
My personal trainer said I have to come over and talk to you for five minutes as part of my routine.
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
Let’s go to my place. I’d like to show you my puck collection.
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
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