Hey baby, I think I'm going blind. Because I can't see you anymore.
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
My wife drives like lightning.
I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
There are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye.
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
Are you religious?
Because you're the answer to all my prayers.
Your batteries must be low after hiking all day. Can I recharge them?
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
I’ve been looking for you, and I hope you’re as sweet as jelly beans.
What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!
Til death do us part and then some, dear.
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
Rudder valve reversals
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
Was the koala able to complete the grueling 26-mile marathon? Bearly.
I hear you're looking for a stud. Well, I've got the STD and all I need is you.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
What does a zombie say as he squishes your brains between his fingers?
Got your knows.
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bruce
Bruce who?
I Bruce easily, don't hit me!
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