“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
I sulfur when you argon.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.
You're such a treat that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?
A hobblin' goblin.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
You must be a flip turn because I’m head over heels for you.
My friend who's a vampire was feeling a bit low. I told him to drink B positive.
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
Crash courses for private pilots - The Daily Telegraph
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
Girl, if I am epsilon, will you be my delta?
What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
If Corona virus is just a beer virus..
Then it’s just a yeast infection!
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
Can I be Candide with you?
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
"Just looking on the sunny side."
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