Your voice is so a-do-re-ble to mi
Did I tell you about my new girlfriend who also plays football?
Yeah.. she‘s a keeper
here do lobsters go to borrow money? The prawn broker.
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
Can I wear your plaid flannel when I make you breakfast tomorrow morning?
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
Let's Taco about love.
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
What do you call a very tall cherry blossom tree in Italy? The leaning flower of Pisa.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!
If your piglet wants to be a wizard, there’s only one alternative: Hogwarts.
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
What drink scares defense lawyers? Guilt-Tea.
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
Just like Evan, this match is also the cure
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
You're the ruler of my heart.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun
All other vampires pale in comparison.
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
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