What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
My dad just told me something that sent a chill down my spine.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
Those who study the moon for their course or as a habit, are optimists. And that is because they look at the brighter side always.
Which country hates Thanksgiving?
Turkey
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
What is a worm's favorite band? Mud.
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
What's a camel's favorite part of a meal?
Desert!
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
Never believe minotaurs...
Half of everything they say is bull.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.
What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
I like my partners, like how i like my fast-food meals. Extra-large!
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
you must be augmented cause my love for you just won't diminish!
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Let’s show Potassium and water that the two of us can make a more energetic reaction together than them!
What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?
A Furrari.
Do you celebrate Boxing Day? Because you're the whole package.
Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse!
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser.
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