A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?
Kermit the Fog.
If a young goat learns a martial art, are they a karate kid?
To me, you’re just like hydrogen because you’re number 1!
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.
I like you about 1/18 as much as I like a Pumpkin Spice Latte, which is to say “I love you forever, let’s get married.”
What's the wind's favourite colour?
Blew
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season?
They fast during Lent!
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Comb
Comb who?
Comb on down and I'll tell you!
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
That’s a beautiful dog. Does she have a phone number?
Who is a ghoul’s favorite family member?
Mummy!
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
What is a baby sasquatch's favorite toy?
His Yeti Bear!
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
If I was a sticker, would you add me to your vintage luggage set?
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
How did Poseidon greet the sea monster?
- Hey buddy, what's kraken?
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he liked cool music.
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather.
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
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