What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
What's faster - lightning, light, or diarrhea?
Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.
How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?
Tea, Rex?
The pint’s the limit.
You’re like a pair of goggles; without you, everything’s a blur.
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
Did you hear about the gnome cop?
He works in lawn enforcement.
What's your number?? Err I mean your name?
Apparently Dracula sets up a password for every website so he can click on Your Account.
Are you Broca’s aphasia? Because you leave me speechless…
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
A few punny Wifi names you can use:
Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
Sedimentary rock has got nothing on the many layers of your amazing personality.
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
Who’s your paddy?
Having a dirt yard instead of grass is a bold move...
But having a giant rock is boulder.
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
Where do sharks go when they want a vacation? Finland
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
What do you call a ghost who haunts fireplaces? A toastie ghostie.
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
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