Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
Why did the zombie take a sick day?
She had cold symp-tombs.
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
If you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
I beg your garden?
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.
I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
My bowing arm is pretty sore… Because you just made my tremolo.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”
You don't know jack-o-lantern
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
Let’s get elf-ed up.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
I've taken up online yoga since the COVID-19 outbreak started.
It helps me namaste at home.
I’m a 30-60-90 triangle and you’re a 40-40-90 triangle – we’re just right for each other.
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.
If you were an element you'd be francium because you're the most attractive.
How did they punish the longshoreman whose improper ship mooring caused the destruction of a pier?
They docked his pay.
I’m not being obtuse, you are acute girl.
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.
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