The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
I hear the Minotaur is really stubborn....
He's really bull-headed.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
What is an astronaut's favorite candy bar?
Milky way.
Your Ph factor must be 14 because you’re the most basic need in my life right now.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
"Here for the right riesling."
My love for you simply radiates.
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.
Driftin with an attractor like you, baby, is always 'drag free'.
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
You're kind of ugly and fat. Lucky for you, I'm into those things.
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
Are you addicted to the ocean and ocean life?
If you are, sea kelp
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
What do you get when you cross a pig and superman?
The Man of Squeal.
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
I'll make love to you if you want me to.
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
Why did the gnome visit his mother?
To get a gnome-cooked meal.
You’re the only rein-dear for me.
Your beauty is blinding.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
Baby, I'm like efavirenz. I can decrease your odds of nightmares, but you still may have strong vivid dreams about me — a very common side effect.
If you were a function, then you’d be my asymptote ’cause I always tend toward you!
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
Hey, I found you! You are the girl of my dreams.
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
The snow leopard appeared just at the time our guide predicted it. It appeared white on time!
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