You’re just like how I like my potatoes — sweet.
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
What always goes up whenever the rain comes down? An umbrella.
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
What do you call a nervous baby ant?
A little antsy.
My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
Hey babe do you need crutches? Cause I can’t stand you anymore.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
I don’t need to be a doctor to diagnose you with acute smile.
Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
I look at you and wham! I'm head over heels
With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
Are you a phone? Because I want to hold you in my hands all day and ignore the rest of the world while I stare at you alone in my bedroom.
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”
"Giving you more reasons to wine."
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
Sorry if I seem shy or nervous around you,
I have a bit of phobia, I'm afraid of attractive people like you.
I'd got to bat for you, babe.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
What does a polite vampire say to its victim?
- Fang you very much.
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
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