Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
It’s worth a shot.
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
Emo bunnies just do not carrot all.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
Why do spider-musicians always have such long concert tours?
Because they have so many legs.
Do you know how to hop? Because your body is in top form.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Girl its been fun
But im leaving you
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
My friend who's a vampire was feeling a bit low. I told him to drink B positive.
I think you're barbe-cute.
What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265
Apart from being a running gear model, what do you do for a living?
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
How to tell a car it has gained weight?
‘You have got Fiat.’
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
My dad was the top clown at the circus, but unfortunately he passed away.
I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
How does a goblin eat a hotdog?
By goblin it.
I hear this house is haunted… we better stick together.
Please stop with all the corona jokes.
I‘m sick of it.
It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police hurry up, it’s chilly outside!
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
What do you call a ghost who haunts fireplaces? A toastie ghostie.
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
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