What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly.
Four types of weather were having a race. Sunny won gold, cloudy got silver, snowy picked up a bronze, and rainy won a precipitation award.
"Hey babe, you heard of the movie 'Other people?'"
"Yeah, why?"
"I think we should see it."
What's a werewolf's favorite mode of transport?
A lunar cycle.
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
Trumpester: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
What did the conifer say when he finally got alone with his crush? It’s just yew and me, baby.
What did the artist tell his greatest nemesis? I challenge you to a doodle!
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
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