Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!
My moment in the sun.
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
I can’t believe such a perfect match could Alexis-t
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
You're such a TEAse.
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
My Spotify sucks. It showed me the hottest singles, and missed you out!
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.
I just got some mistletoe, how about we go back to my place and try it out?
Hey boy, I like your Irwin inspired outfit.
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and leave, it could spell disaster.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Taco Bell overcooked my food
I asked for a brrrr-ito and an en-chill-ata.
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
You're a beluga in this sea of cod.
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
What did the mountain say to the hill on Valentine's day?
You make my heart gush, I lava you.
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with an alarm?
An alarm cluck.
Just call me your baby, cause I wanna be inside you for the next 9 months.
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
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