Ever had real cane sugar?
It cannot be beet.
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
I used to go out with a homeless girl, like you. It was great. I could drop her off anywhere.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
What do ghouls drink?
Boos!
You're eyes are bluer than the Atlantic ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
You're so fine that I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive!
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
You make me more excited than gifts under a Christmas tree.
What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
Is there a science room nearby, or am I just sensing chemistry between us?
Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
I'd marry your cat just to get in the family.
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
You know you're just like the sun, your beauty is blinding.
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
All these years of technological developments and I still haven’t seen a colour photo of a zebra.
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Water!
Water who?
Water way to answer the door!
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Hey babe, I want tibia your Valentine!
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
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