"I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny."
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
How did the shark plead in the murder case?
Not gill-ty.
What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
How to tell a car it has gained weight?
‘You have got Fiat.’
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be dead
Than stuck with you!
On scale of one to 10, you’re a poutine.
Who brings presents for crows on Christmas? On Christmas? Santa Caws
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.
What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
I mist say, this is a pretty bad joke, but it haze potential.
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
We like to paddy.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
Are you into science? Because I lab you so much!
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
The Bartender.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
What do you get when you cross a vampire bat and a computer?
Love at first byte.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
You must be from Quebec because these feelings I have for you are Mont-real.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
What is a teddy bear’s favorite Thanksgiving food?
Stuffing!
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
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