Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
You get as far away as possible.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
You're as classy as the first Pan Am flight.
What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
There's something wrong with my phone. It doesn't have your number in it.
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Your treat or mine?
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
My feelings for you are Mont-real.
I cannot think of anything sweeter than chocolate than - oops! of course, there is you!
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.
I over boiled some venison broth earlier.
It was deerly mist.
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
Are you a pile of soiled dishes? Because I want to spend the entire evening with you.
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
Go to BabaMail
