A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown

What did the metamorphic rock say during the test?
This is too much pressure!

“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson

I stretched out my hamstrings, but every time I see you, I feel a tug at my heartstrings

Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.

I was born in the wild but for you I would be domesticated.

I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.

Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.

What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.

You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.

Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.

Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.

I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.

You must be a library book because I can’t stop checking you out.

The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.

“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather

What's the difference between an internet troll and a video game character?
Video game characters have lives.

Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!

My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.

Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.

Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.

Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."

You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away

(Anonymous)

What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.

I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.

What did the llama say when he found out he had been robbed?
“I’ve been fleeced!”

Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!

Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.

I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.

I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.

The first time ever I saw your face I thought the sun rose in your eyes

I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.

According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.

Sorry lady, I'll have to eat you after dinner.
Because you're a snack!

I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.

I nearly kicked my dog out, but we renegotiated the terms of his leash.

I think there’s something wrong with my eye. I can’t take them off of you.

You radiate in the shortest wavelengths I’ve ever encountered.

Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.

The success in this sport is not how you bowl, but how you roll.

What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.

Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.

My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.

I’m considering a modulation… Because I want to come up to your level

I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...

“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”