My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed

For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"

I know we just met, but I Cairo lot about you.

What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!

What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.

Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled...
But it's hard to say...

Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.

When life gives you mold - make penicillin.

I'm fondue you, it's true

Why couldn’t the cat finish watching her movie? Because she had it on paws!

“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali

Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There is a twist at the end.

An astronaut who normally fails on a weightlessness experiment, might surely be aware of the gravity of the situation.

What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.

How do you plan to shell-ebrate the New Year?

What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.

What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.

What did the artist tell his greatest nemesis? I challenge you to a doodle!

Why is a field of grass always older than you?
Because it's pasture age

What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.

What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.

My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.

We aren't even in hot yoga, but you have me sweating.

A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"

What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.

“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown

What do rabbits like to sing? “Every bunny was kung fu fighting.”

Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.

After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.

If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.

If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.

"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."

- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.

Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!

I can heartly wait to see you.

After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."

When is the course too wet to play golf?
When your golf cart capsizes.

I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.

I hope you're good at catching cause I'm starting to fall for you.

You wanna score or just knock around some soccer balls?

If a young goat learns a martial art, are they a karate kid?

"Joker Grandpa"

Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.

At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.

Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.

What type of elements know everybody on earth?
Met-all.

Are you a dictator? Because you have absolute power over me.

I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.

What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.

Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.