Why didn't the bicycle want to go anywhere?
It was two tired.
When the chef asked which ingredients were missing in the signature dish, someone said quickly, ‘u-need-corn’.
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
If you were a puck, I'd never shoot. Because I would always miss you.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
Man: Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Woman: Do you know what'd look good on you? Nothing.
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
Local weather reports state there won't be any rain for 1 year, but I drought it.
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
Every time i see you, my cardiovascular system gets all worked up.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
My dad was the top clown at the circus, but unfortunately he passed away.
I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
If you let me, I will chase you like a cheetah.
Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Greece!
Greece who?
Are Greece and oil the same thing?
What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
You can forget about winning, princess. Because even Cinderella can’t get to this ball.
Why do werewolves not enter the Olympics? Too high a chance of a silver medal.
Why don’t giraffes do drugs?
Because they’re naturally high.
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.
How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
Which frog has horns?
A bull frog.
What do you call a 2D fairy?
Pixie-lated.
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
Are you Australian? Cause you meet all my koala-fications!
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
Make it rein.
Let’s shell-ebrate good times and tan lines.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
Thank you for making our relationship sweet rather than a rocky road.
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
Are you alone? Nice to meet you, me too.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
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