Hey baby, do you have some bug spray? Because I have butterflies in my tummy.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
Will you integrate with me? I will differentiate whoever comes in our way.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
If you want to vacation in Italy, don't be afraid to Rome around.
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
Dad jokes are like Corona.
Everybody gets It but not everyone can laugh about It.
Where do spiders play football?
Webley Stadium.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
What does a flower say when they’re surprised?
What in carnation!
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
Your lab or my lab?
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
I’m soy
into you.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
People with a cold - "I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible."
People with Corona Virus - "I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago."
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
Did you hear about the ocean and sea having a baby?
It was a buoy!
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
Why are winter days great?
They’re snow much fun!
How many colors are in the rainbow? I haven't got a blue.
What do you call a quiet sheep?
A shhhhhhh-eep.
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
I now believe in Angels.
Is it hot in this Bikram studio, or is it just you?
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
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