"I make pour decisions."
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.
I’m not part of the Prohibition Movement. You can speakeasy to me.
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
Are you fossil? Because I want to date you!
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you — hand over the cash!
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
My teen daughter was sent home from school for covid exposure.....
She’s now my quaranteen.
If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.
Did you hear about the aquarium owner?
His shark was worse than his pike.
"Stop and smell the rosé."
Ice cream trucks are pretty hardy, but they will break down if they drive over the rocky road.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
If anyone gets a suspicious email from me about canned meat, don’t open it. It’s spam!
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
Are you a keyboard? Because you are just my type.
I just flew on a plane with an all female flight crew.
It was an....unmanned aircraft.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
She has high elf-esteem.
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
Are you Siri? As a result of your autocomplete feature
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
I was going to call you beautiful, but then I realized I don’t have your number yet.
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Girl its been fun
But im leaving you
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
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