“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.
I'm not a very good swimmer, do you have any lifeguard experience?
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was InTents.
Are you a bike? Because I wanna ride you until I get tired.
My DJ friend took my advice and simplified his salad recipe.
he dropped the beet.
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.
You can tickle my ivories anytime, baby.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the One.
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
Did you hear about the scared kangaroo?
Yeah, he was a bit jumpy.
Darling, I never want you to leaf me.
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
Turns out my dad who’s a locksmith still has to go to work during lockdown.
He’s a key worker, you see.
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
I feel like Medusa was in some rocky relationships.
Looking out at the water, a father explains why the ice breaks up in the spring.
The changing sea son.
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.
Why does the paparazzi beaver have a camera pointing towards the river? To keep up with current events and give main-stream updates.
What do you call a communist vampire?
A red blood count.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tomorrow night?
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
The fungi turned down seconds at dinner because he never had mushroom.
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs.
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.
What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
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