Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty!
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
"Maybe this is not the right time for us"
I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they wouldn't take a bath!
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
What drink scares defense lawyers? Guilt-Tea.
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
Why don’t trees travel in groups? Because two’s a company, but tree’s a crowd.
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
Were you raised in captivity? Because you captured my heart.
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
You're such a treat that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.
I think we Anthon-eed to get to know each other soon
On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight?
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
Hey girl… Can I call-cu-later?
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.
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