Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
What do we call the basketball team that won the donuts championships? – dunkin donuts.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
If you think I’m hot now, wait until you see what I turn into at midnight.
I really caribou-t you.
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Ears.
Ears who?
Ears one more beaver joke for you.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
A group of crows placed evenly between two margins is definitely a justified murder.
Boy: Want to hear a joke?
Girlfriend: Sure.
Boy: Our relationship.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
Federer is such a legend that they named the Roger’s Cup, and Fed Cup after him.
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
What do werewolf like for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.
My brother, who is an IT guy, got surgery done on his fingers. Now he can truly be called a tech-knuckle support guy.
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you.
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
My Aunt with half a plate left: I don't think I can eat anymore, this meat is just not appealing to me.
Me: Have a potato, it has a peal.
On scale of one to 10, you’re a poutine.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
You must be Australian because you've turned my life upside-down.
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
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