What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
"Do you like computers?" (yes.) "Do you like file sharing?" (yes) "Good, 'cause I'm downloadable and user friendly!"
Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses? R'n'Brie
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
Once I tried to paint the sky but I blue it.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
On Halloween night I will strut
Dressed like Jabba the Hut
Many sweets I will eat
As it is trick or treat
And double the size of my butt
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
Why are hot dogs angry? Because they are always getting roasted.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
Corona virus is just like pasta.
The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
You spend so much time in my mind, I should charge you rent.
If I could change the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine next to each other.
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
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