I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
Why did the ghost go to the big Labor Day sale? He’s a bargain haunter.
It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.
The only thing hotter than today is you.
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
Are you the online order I placed a few days ago? Cause I’ve been waiting for you all day.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
No body has ever won a skeleton race.
Is your name Ariel? Because we mermaid for each other.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
Why does Foghorn Leghorn take it slow when April rolls around?
Because he’s no spring chicken!
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
That's right; I'm as breathtaking as the Sydney Tower.
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
Why does the paparazzi beaver have a camera pointing towards the river? To keep up with current events and give main-stream updates.
Paddy like a rockstar.
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
How do you catch a monkey?
Climb a tree and act like a banana.
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
Are you from Stockholm? Cause you're the Swedish girl I've ever seen.
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