“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
What kind of hair style does a bee get?
A buzz cut
What types of books do pines read? Poetree books.
You are pitcher perfect.
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself...
All the grasses were bumping into each other because the grass-light wasn't working in the streets.
Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
There are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye.
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
Your smile must be a black hole. Nothing can escape its pull.
Call me Pooh. Because all I want is you, honey!
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
Your eyes are as blue as the sea after a storm.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
You have a pizza my heart.
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
You dropped something. My jaw.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
Hey babe, now that the season's over, lets go back to my place and watch the highlight film.
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
When was the last time you got a cute good morning text? Give me your number so we can fix that.
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