I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is, I caught it
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
There is always a first time to everything. For instance, when you take a mushroom either for lunch or dinner, you will be amazed at how magical it is.
What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
I’ve always been a trucker, but recently I applied for a job at Microsoft. I’ve heard they’re always looking for more drivers.
Dad fertilized the garden with corn starch.
The plot thickens.
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What do you call mountain climbing corn?
Mountain-ears.
Question: What is the oldest animal?
Answer: The Zebra, it's still in black and white!
.
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
Don’t moss around.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet? blood-thirsty hacker baby
Who needs a sled when you can just ride me?
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
I was hoping you wouldn't block my pop-up. You must've been made by Intel to be that hot!
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Are you a parking ticket? Because you're evidence that I made a mistake.
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.
What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?
- Bone Appetit!
What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.
I can’t believe you have the de Gaulle to say that to my face.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
Damn girl, you're lookin' sharp
How will you come to know when the moon will go broke? It would happen when moon is down to its last quarter.
Whoever slit the sheets is a good sheet slitter.
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
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