The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
Where you flying today? Because you landed in my heart.
What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
You must be Egyptian, because I'm a enslaved by your eyes.
"Let's have some skele-fun."
Hey, I just got my flight number. I’m just missing your phone number.
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
What will you do if you come across a green alien? I’ll simply wait until it’s ripe.
You're my purr-son.
Why are people buying so much toilet paper because of the corona virus?
Because when one person sneezes, 100 people shit themselves.
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
"You are so bottlefull to me."
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
Do you like free samples?
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..
Are you Australian? Cause you meet all my koala-fications!
Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
I'd make like Jacob and work seven years for you to be my bride.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
Are you from Canada? Because if you're wondering if you can go out on a date with me, well, you CAN–UH-DUH!
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
My text tone is adorable! Message me, so you can hear it.
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!
Your name must be Calculus Homework, because I have no interest in doing you.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night.
It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt.
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